An Open Letter to President Putin

Dear Mr Putin,

Sputnik/Pavel Bednyakov/Pool via REUTERS

How are things is everything ok?

So everyone’s quite concerned about you at the moment.

February 21 you gave an odd press conference claiming Ukraine and Russia were the same historical space. And that Ukraine rejoined Russia in the 17th century.

An odd claim given Russia at that point was less than 100 years old. And had never contained any part of modern Ukraine.

Unless you are talking about the 9th century Kievan Rus. A Viking empire. But, you’re not saying you’re a descendant of 9th century Vikings right Putin. Right? Because that would just be insane.

Should we just dismiss this as loony old Vlad’s sense of humour? Probably not because this is the exact line the Romanovs used for 300 years. But… you’re not… a Romanov, or a Viking. You understand that right?

In 1557 when the Tsardom of Russia was founded Ivan the fourth claimed he was descended from the rulers of the Kievan Rus, and that he therefore was the rightful Emperor of pretty much all of eastern Europe.

And the Kievan Rus was a Varangians state between the 9th and 13th century. Controlling most of eastern Europe. The Varangians? Came from Sweden…. Not Moscow.

Ivan actually did descend from the Rurik dynasty of the Kievan Rus. But when he and his son died so died the last of the Ruriks. Which means your not a viking Putin. I know it’s disappointing. All young boys have to go through the realization at some point. And I guess better late than never.

And you know what happens if you don’t come to grips? Well look at the Romanovs. They didn’t give up the game. Though the Varangian’s were gone, the Ruriks were gone, and the lands of Eastern Europe had never been one group or nation. The Russian’s nevertheless claimed to be the successors of the Kievan Rus. And so an entire Empire cosplayed as Vikings for 400 years.

They even said crazy things like they had reunified Kiev with Russia, a state which had never existed. When they finally conquered the city.

Which was news to the people of Kiev who spoke their own language had their own culture and were 1000 kilometres from Moscow.

Which would be kindof like if the nation of Chad invaded Sardinia and called its self the next French Empire.

But do you know what the dangers of long term cosplay are? Because when the Romanovs took Kiev in the 17th century. They had to just pretend the Ukrainians didn’t have their own language and culture. Which made things super awkward. And then… super genocidal.

And now you’re invading Ukraine. Claiming you’re the same country. And that’s just a recipe for disaster.

I just want to make sure you are managing your expectations. You seem like a really nice autocrat, but you have a tendency to go to hard with the fantasy. First you went hard with communism, then the monarchy, then Stalin, now you’re a Viking?

The last time you got hurt by Ukraine you obliterated the nation of Chechnya. So I just want you to know, we all love you, and just want you to be happy, without anybody getting hurt.

So put down the gun Putin. Come one. Therapy is very mainstream these days. There’s no shame in it. If you would like a hug you know where I am.

Yours always

N. Ward